For a while, I think I’ve been a little lost. Maybe I’ve been a little too immersed in the wonders and tragedies of the world. Getting lost in nature becomes harder as urbanisation happens in the outer parts of Sydney – not that I mind, because I really enjoyed walking around the city at night to enjoy the unusual city silence, where the footsteps and voices of businesspersons and unnecessarily noisy vehicles normally crowd the air. On a mild spring night, when people have gone home to their comforts and only the few individuals dedicated to their work remain; this is when I can stroll by the waterside of Barangaroo, down the streets of Martin Place, or perhaps take in the darkened shopfronts to imagine it differently. I imagined conversations with different people at different places so I got lost in what could be and lost touch of my reality.
Although I found myself getting lost in my thoughts, it was the closest I remember to being the most me I could be. I remember the feeling of constant prayer and the gratitude I have to God. I’m not saying I’ve lost that gratitude, but the zeal that I had isn’t as strong. Getting lost in the world helped me wind down, helped me take a look at what has been made and helped me give thanks for all things. When there is little nature to escape to, getting lost between beautifully-made buildings, through mysterious alleyways and quiet streets is a close second when looking for a small retreat. Even Jesus needed time away from the crowds – he escaped to nature for rest and to be alone with God.
I stopped wandering around a long time ago. I put myself out there and seized countless opportunities to ground myself and pull myself out of my head. Looking back, I don’t know why I saw the need to change. Did having my head in the clouds hinder how I lived? I don’t think it did. In chasing a distorted desire, I found the work I tasked myself to do in second-year for the gospel, to be meaningless. Jumping into another world of work; the mental load of responsibilities and tasks were too much. It was a lesson learnt – I was not made for the kind of work I had faithfully set out to do.
The brothers and sisters with whom I had shared the same goals, believed me to be too harsh on myself. I did not believe I made a good secretary, and in my ignorance, did not think it to be a position of leadership in Credo. Although I was in charge of administration and liaising with others, it never felt like a role with a voice because I was only someone who took minutes and only guided others to complete their tasks. I just wanted to run away, like Jonah had run from God and Nineveh. Yet knowing that story, I stayed present in my stubbornness. It was difficult to persevere despite the challenges during that season, but God was with me every step of the way. I was rewarded with much-needed rest soon after.
I have trouble finding a good balance in many things. My rest turned into complacency and laziness, melting in with the shock of social isolation and the escape of Animal Crossing. All classes were moved online and the discipline I lacked took a toll on me. My grades improved to the detriment of my health and social interactions; I stopped eating and stayed in bed for 16 hours a day; and my sleeping habits suffered. Yet, all these things passed and even in my suffering – even in the war between man and state – I know that God is good. May my suffering serve as a reminder for His greater purpose.
Even when it is hard, I will keep fighting for my faith. I will remember that I am a Child of God. And I will remember that He is the one who knows my needs before they are spoken. “You have searched me, and known my heart, Before I spoke, you know my every thought”. And even after searching my twisted heart, I am loved.
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