Tomorrow I want to wake up to a new dream. It’s as if my head has the same dream stuck on repeat; it ends the same way but it always happens in different places. I have my arm wrapped around yours and we walk laughing along the Seine in Paris and at other beautiful places. Nothing could ruin the atmosphere, right? It’s a picture-perfect date. I say those three words and you stop laughing, and just walk away. I never know what happens after that, because I wake up. And I remember every detail.
You’re driving me crazy, y-you stupid pudding-head. I won’t deny that I am missing you, but you know, it’s not as if I still feel any romantic attachment to you. God has helped me guard my heart well – I wonder if, perhaps too well. I wake up feeling a little bad, but I think my heart is accustomed to it now, with it being beaten down over and over again, and all. Not to make you feel bad or anything though, but I highly doubt you are reading this in the first place.
Thinking about these dreams takes me back to November 8th. It was a Sunday morning and I was up, albeit sad and half-asleep, but ready to watch the livestream. Except, someone had stolen the fuses from the circuit box of my church, which meant there wouldn’t be a livestream that very morning. I will admit that I am in the habit of not really listening to the sermons because I’m just too tired, and that day would have been no exception.
They uploaded it later in the day, but I didn’t have much intention on listening to it. Yet, for some reason I was on YouTube that night, despite not using YouTube regularly, and I actually listened to the sermon. I am so glad I did. What I heard that night was far timelier than any other message I had heard before, and God’s timing truly continues to astound me. The pastor covered “good news ministry” in 1 Thessalonians 2:13-3:13 and makes mention of the joy and anguish in love, and why love is worth it.
“If you love someone, in a relationship, you will experience both anguish and joy.”
I was so prepared to run away, prepared to defer my degree so I wouldn’t have to see you ever. Even after I told you not to run away, oh what a hypocrite I am. But God stopped me right in my tracks. He very clearly told me through my pastor, not to walk away when things get tough. I let out a big sigh and knew God was convicting me of this. And to this day, and I know it will continue for many more, I am still fighting every desire to flee and push you away when the time comes to see you again.
“There is no love without sacrifice.”
Call me stupid, but I feel like I’ve been prepared to get my heart broken over and over being friends with you. However, I am willing to sacrifice my emotional comfort if it means another chance to have a gospel conversation with you. I am willing to do this because I care about you. So I dare you – break my heart, but you can’t break my Spirit.
“Do we love like Jesus loved?”
I wasn’t being entirely honest when I said I was having the same dream over and over. When I woke up from my dream today, it was a little different. I asked if I could be by your side, just for today and then I’ll go. You lifted me, just a little, and spun me around in a hug. Your eyes were kind and your smile was warm. In awe, I laughed a little and hugged you back. Then I woke up.
As any girl would love being swept off their feet, I enjoyed it. But I have no desire for anything like that. I just want to see you find God again. I am afraid of losing you, but not in the way I already have. What good will it be for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul? Right now, all I can do is pray and that’s all I’ve been doing.
I hope you are doing well.
Faithfully, Jaimee.
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