Hey my love,
I buried you a month or two ago
I keep thinking that you’re standing on my floor
That you’re waiting there for me
Tomorrow I shall write something new. I feel like I am still standing on Maroubra beach watching the sunrise – still thinking about life, but also nothing in particular, upon further thought.
She watches the sun
Drift into the sky,
All while knowing
She is stuck in the same place.
And you know, I would like to see the sunrise again. I would like to wake up before dawn and travel with someone to see another new day, blessed with the warm morning sun from our wonderful Creator. Tomorrow, I will find my feet and show you that I can walk away from that moment in time.
By no means am I a morning or beach person, but I do find myself sitting on the beach at sunrise from time to time. When I am lying in bed, sitting on the couch – sometimes even when I’m out with friends I see the face of a new day, yet, nothing beyond that.
The days that belong only to me go by slowly, blending in with unhelpful introspective thoughts. Sometimes I drown out the voices by turning on the television; it numbs the brain, even though I feel as if there is so much wasted potential there. My body craves something to do, something to think about – and at the end of the day, my mind wanders. I wonder and I worry aimlessly, even though I am unplagued. It is an unfamiliar feeling.
I suppose I did have a few headaches like feeling a little disheartened about not being able to fit in for a little while… and I did witness physical violence occur between a co-worker and homeless man, but I don’t think it explains this strange feeling of incompletion. Woe is me for feeling like half a human. Although, I may consider this feeling a blessing. It points me back to Christ and reminds me that even though I am saved, I am still in the process of being sanctified and am still being “[carried] on to completion”, if you will.
I am confused about how I feel, knowing full contentment in Him and the joys in life He so graciously gifts us.
Why are you downcast, oh my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
I just feel a little stuck – like there is this little cloud over my head, but it doesn’t bother me too much. I guess I’ve learnt to live with it the past two months.
Maybe tomorrow, it will finally disperse.
Faithfully, Jaimee.
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