There is a phrase I’ve been hearing a lot lately.
I’m not sure when it began – sometime this year, I noticed a strange pattern. In my experience, it isn’t uncommon for someone to ask my opinion on a matter, and that’s what people have been doing. It often comes after some sort of discussion on where to eat, or what to do. Someone will tell me to decide and, lately, I have repeatedly found myself asking the question,
Why me?
Because you’re a leader.
And I’m not quite sure why, but hearing those words bothered me a little. It didn’t bother me so much that I would linger on those words in the moment, however, it was enough to remember the slight unease that plagued me each time I had heard it. I have served in various ministries working in different roles, and would say that I have amassed an invaluable amount of experience over the years. Yet, I still don’t feel like I can call myself a leader. Am I just being too hard on myself? A lot of people tell me that I am.
Why do people perceive me as a leader?
I find myself to be too impatient, too inexperienced, too young to be a leader. I even remember feeling very confused when I was chosen to lead a group of incredibly talented creative Asians in Sydney, because of my inexperience and age – and this was two years ago. It doesn’t feel like my achievement, because I have seen God place each milestone in front of me, and I faithfully go where He leads.
I don’t think I have ever been able to make those milestones my own. I am overly-aware of the dangers in claiming every success, solely as my own doing, because it is God-willed. However, it is unfair to belittle yourself and what you have accomplished with God’s help. This I now know. I have been too hard on myself. I have been caught up in feeling so unequipped and inexperienced because of my age.
But, what does it mean to act your age?
Parents chastise their children when they’re doing something naughty, and in movies, someone may berate their own parent for acting irresponsibly – the correlation being it calling for a person to step up and be mature. However, in a counter-scenario, it is seldom used. One is almost always praised for appearing more mature, and it is considered a compliment. However, I want to argue that the, “you’re so mature for your age” compliment can be unhelpful, if not detrimental. It imposes a characteristic – a level of maturity onto one’s age, and age is something you cannot control. Though, I suppose this argument is coming from a special place.
Since I had heard those words said over and over again, I couldn’t help but dwell on them. It was like listening to a broken record. And, admittedly, that phrase became a stumbling block to me. Why? Because it felt like a label that was forced onto me. So, as somebody who has tried really hard to separate herself from an unhelpful characteristic, I would say… identity is a funny thing. It is no wonder people spend their lives in search of themselves and more. What good is it to put your identity in things that can change? It promotes confusion and causes so much pain.
However, synchronously, I would also argue that the, “you’re so mature for your age” comment can be used as a compliment. But before you say I am now stating the opposite of my claim, I believe there is some sort of balance on the age-identity issue, and any argument that goes too far in one direction borders on insanity. Anything and everything, is and can be taken the wrong way.
In short, it seems like I really can’t escape my own sense of responsibility. I will accept that I am, in fact, mature for my age – I am always going to be the one who looks at the world through a different lens. But, you know, I accepted this burden of independence a long time ago. And all these thoughts serve as a reminder that I am in the world, but not of it.
Maybe that’s what makes me a suitable leader. When I was younger, I was the type to follow what others did and never really had my own opinion on things. But now, I am a totally different person; I no longer conform to the ways of this world, and I am convinced that I can lead others to do the same.
I guess this would be a great time for an announcement: I have become a bible study leader. Surprise!
I hope you will pray for me.
Thanks for reading.
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