I always find it interesting how people view me. Most of the time, I hear that people have found me scary and intimidating. Other descriptions include: interesting, thoughtful, insane, and “has no chill”.
This reminded me of a conversation I had a while ago. I sighed and told my friend that I’m a little insecure about people finding me gloomy. He reassured me that to him, I wasn’t gloomy, but rather, reserved. I don’t remember what else he said in that conversation, but I know what he thinks of me and it brings me joy and confidence in who I am.
You’re an enigma. You have a lot of layers.
I also get that a lot. A person with a personality of many layers. I wonder if that’s why I never wear too many layers; I’m never cold and my friends find it a little strange. But lately, I’ve been needing to wear more than one layer to feel sufficiently warm. Is this old age, or is it just winter?
I don’t get cold very often, but there are times when I do, as are there times when I can’t keep my cool and I’m overwhelmed by different feelings. There is a particular feeling that haunts me from time to time—overcome by a state of crushing melancholy, tonight I felt incredible despair. It comes and goes, but it never really stays for very long.
Even though I agree, that I am multi-layered, I think I’m relatively simple to please. I get happy when you feed me food I like, when you want to spend time with me, or even share things about your life with me. I like cheese and dancing and late-night conversations about nothing in particular. And I like so much more.
But even so, such despair leaves me to sit in silence and wonder what I’ve done wrong.
It’s always my fault. Am I being too much? Subconsciously, that’s what I tell myself. And it’s in times like this, that I feel the loneliest.
You are worthy of being loved.
In my despair, my head knows, but my heart doesn’t.
I know—we are to bear each other’s burdens, but I often think no one would understand. A part of me knows it’s because I don’t give people enough credit, but it’s also because I find that a lot of people really don’t understand me.
It feels lonely… Am I really loved?
Am I understood? No, not all the time. But, I am loved. Even if it were a lie, I need to keep reminding myself that I am worthy of being loved.
Last night, I had a dream of a previous relationship coming to an end. No words were uttered but feelings of abandonment had come rushing back. I tried everything, but there was no reciprocation. No love.
And I saw the same thing happen again, only this time, in the present. Any time I think these feelings have vanished, they reappear like a persistent and needy cat.
I don’t like bothering others with my burdens, perhaps I’m even afraid of doing so at the thought of being discarded for asking too much of someone. These intrusive thoughts have left me out in the cold, grasping for a coat to protect myself from the icy winds.
But the love Jesus has for me continues to be the sole encouragement that never fails to bring me back to a sound mind. On a cold winter’s night, He is the one who provides the warmth of an unrelenting fire. And in all of my confusion and lack of self-confidence, I am fully known and fully loved by Him.
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