The first three months of this year have passed, but the season ahead still seems dry and barren.
I won’t pretend that this year has been a good one. Even among the Hokkaido snow of the new year, I battled exhaustion and this mixed feeling of loneliness and trepidation that I could not explain. It should have been a time of excitement and joy, but it was anything but that.
There have been many tears—even breakdowns in public that I couldn’t fight back. There have been times I thought I was going crazy and even felt a little like Job in how I was comforted. But even through it all, I tried hard to pretend everything was okay because there were people around me who needed me, and still do.
In times of being unseen and unheard, in times of abandonment and in times of complete despair, it felt like I was fighting hard on my own. And it was lonely.
The loneliness and despair had consumed me to the point that I found myself in tears just because my brother had taken out the bins. My mum was away on a business trip, and we had the house to ourselves for two weeks. And that one small act of service showed me I wasn’t alone. I’m not alone.
And I know God is still good. He has heard my cries—my soul’s groanings—and has been the same God I have always known. He is a comfort and certainty in everchanging landscapes, melancholy thoughts, and dark places.
Still, He has granted me small joys among the hard things. Just this week, I had the pleasure (and slight embarrassment) of being told that my friend appreciates me and doesn’t take me for granted, at least not anymore. I’ve had another friend tell me he has seen how hard I’ve worked for my relationships and had others who know nothing of my circumstances offer a hand if I ever need it. Finally, after months of feeling invisible and alone, I’ve been affirmed and heard.
And that’s just the thing. No matter how invisible you feel, God sees you. Just as He sees the Egyptian slave taken advantage of by everyone else, knowing her by name, God also sees you when you’re in pain and suffering.
This year has been an all-out war for me. I’ve had to fight back-to-back battles without rest. And just when I think there’s a small plateau to rest upon, sickness has pinned me down and tells me to stay down. It’s like trying to tread water when you have too much on your shoulders, so you struggle to catch your breath, feeling like you’re drowning. But I’ve been told to keep swimming.
I’ve found much-needed joy in 2-hour conversations at Maccas late at night, despite how terrible I felt the morning after, and other pleasure in praising God for the work He’s been doing in my workplace. But it’s still hard, and I’ve got to keep fighting.
I hope you’re still fighting.
Take time for self-care, and as a general rule:
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat something.
If you feel like everyone hates you, go to sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, have a shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
My friends, I’m thankful for your prayers. Even though I’ve managed to muster a smile almost in the past few months on my video diary, a lot is going on. So I need prayer more than ever, and I hope you will continue praying for me as you have done so far.
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