I was blessed to have joined a new bible study group this year. The leaders have really emphasised this group as a church—a place where we do life together and bear each other’s burdens while sharing the joys. And even more so because they welcomed us into their home. Every week, we share a meal and talk about our week. It’s as if they adopted us into their family and made us their own.
Their home is warm and full of life. They have four children, all in high school with lives of their own. They also have two dogs who couldn’t be more different. While they’re both cavoodles, one is friendly and almost exclusively looks like it’s a King Charles Cavalier Spaniel, and the other is shy whose appearance is mixed but still closer to the poodle. And sometimes, the warmth is enough to keep the thoughts away.
We have been looking at Judges, and it has painted a harrowing picture of Israel’s defied God. In just the first chapter, there are several ways Israel disobeyed. Out of pride, they indulged in the practice of cruelty towards their enemy; from a lack of faith in God, they failed to drive out enemies with chariots of iron; and out of greed, they made a covenant with the people they sought to drive out, allowing for idolatry to taint their relationship with God. And we’re no better.
We rarely hear God’s wrath mentioned at church today. We know Him to be a loving and merciful Father, and He is. However, there are times when we may not understand the weight of our sins and how much it pains God. It certainly happened to Israel before God’s anger burned against them.
Then the Lord raised up judges, who saved them out of the hands of those who plundered them. Yet they did not listen to their judges, for they whored after other gods and bowed down to them. They soon turned aside from the way in which their fathers had walked, who had obeyed the commandments of the Lord, and they did not do so. – Judges 2:16-17
It’s not every day you read such extreme language. Note, “whored after other gods”. They committed a serious offence against God. And before you get defensive about how you have fallen short—how you fail to love your brothers and sisters because you want to preserve your ego or hide your shame—God grieves about it. Sin destroys everything in its path, and it was the reason nails were driven into Jesus on the cross.
Yet, the story didn’t end for the Israelites after they forsook God. At any time, He could have wiped out all the Israelites and started anew. But he chose to make himself vulnerable and open to being hurt again so that he could be in relationship with them. It’s something that takes an immeasurable amount of courage, forgiveness and dedication to do. And all the same, our story goes on with our hope in Jesus.
But perhaps some consider it foolish. In our everyday lives, it’s not commonplace to forgive and be hurt in the same ways over and over and over again. Some of my friends have been thinking about how much we should forgive. It’s been in the context of church leadership, but I believe the concept almost remains the same for all circumstances.
We are called to forgive over and over again. But it’s not an easy task, and it’s all the more challenging when the people who have sinned against you don’t understand how or why. Or maybe it’s hard because they continue to hurt you in the same ways. It’s hard to forgive and open yourself up to being hurt again. But that’s what grace looks like.
I’ve been hurt so many times in similar and different ways. I feel so powerless to even attempt to allow myself to be vulnerable with others. How big is Your love that You let us in when we were so undeserving? It’s too much. I’m not strong enough. Father I can’t keep loving like You do.
Every fibre of my being tells me to withdraw—to run away and leave everything behind without telling anyone. I have the resources to disappear. It would be so easy. Being alone is so easy. I already lost the battle with myself today. I couldn’t even get out of bed for work.
God, why do You keep telling me to persevere? Why do you keep telling me it’s worth it—that relationships are worth it? This perseverance and faithfulness feel like foolishness. It hurts to love people who don’t love you back. It hurts to live.
I know you spoke to me when I broke down in the kitchen. You cut through all the noise so effortlessly and quietened my mind. Then you gave me two commands. Stay. And, forgive him. But I don’t know if I’m strong enough to do that.
I kept pushing through everything and didn’t listen to my body. Now, everything is coming out all at once, and I’m suffering because of it. I probably haven’t been okay in a long time.
I barely eat, so I’ve resorted to eating the things that vaguely bring me any delight, just to ensure I’ve eaten something. But then I feel guilty if all I eat is junk food, and then I stop. It’s worse when my throat closes and my stomach tries to expel the food I eat. But I managed to keep it down.
I don’t enjoy any of the things I used to. Everything seems meaningless. I’d like to do life with others, but I don’t even know what living looks like anymore. And the only reason I’m resisting the impulse to give up and withdraw is because You told me not to. But who knows how long I’ll last.
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