How do you grieve the loss of a loved one? I don’t think my heart is strong enough to sift through the pain. Memories flicker by in my mind’s eye like a camera reel showing the good, the bad, and the deafening silence.
When thinking about you, all the hurt you’ve inflicted on me is what I recall. And at first, I was angry; angry about all the time I’d wasted and how used I felt. What was all the pain for? I fought so hard for this relationship and to convince you that you were worthy—that I was worth it. But all I feel now is grief.
A gaping hole has opened up in my heart realising the reality that I’ve lost someone. I lost my confidant, my best friend, the one who I fought so hard for, and the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. And while loss is a deeply familiar feeling to me, it has never hit so hard. It was my mistake not to take the advice of my friends.
It wasn’t fair how he was keeping you waiting.
We had gotten past the biggest mountain, but it still wasn’t enough. You get to be the one to say you learnt something from the challenges we faced. How insulting. I was the one who had to teach and lead. And that makes me the fool. Because in the end, I was just another foster girlfriend to some guy who didn’t know how to get his act together.
All the apologies you haphazardly strung together when I told you to leave don’t remove the wounds you inflicted. It doesn’t change what you took away from me. You admitted you weren’t a good leader, so maybe you were right to leave. I was blindsided. Maybe you were expecting me to change your mind again, but after being the one to fight for us for so long, I just couldn’t do it anymore. I let you leave. Even if it meant losing everything I worked so hard for. I lost the person with whom I enjoyed spending time the most.
But I’m just not the girl you’re willing to change for, and it was my mistake to wait a moment longer when you delayed every talk about our future together. You may have bought the ring, but it was never in your possession, was it? At least you grew the balls to end it before stringing me along further. You’ve always struggled with people pleasing. So in a bittersweet way, I’m glad that you have changed. As little as it was, I really do commend you for that.
Yet, I can still say with full truth, that I am the same fool who loves you. After all the ways you’ve hurt and abandoned me—after all the lies, the secrets and betrayals, how foolish do have I be to admit that I still love you? I chose to love you every day for three and a half years, but I can’t keep putting my life on hold for someone who wouldn’t choose me on the hard days and wasn’t sure about a future with me.
I could spend the rest of my life hating you for how you stole away three and a half years of my life and how you broke my heart. But I already know that it was me who broke my own heart, loving a lost boy who couldn’t show up when I needed him. And whose priority wasn’t me.
Goodbye.
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