How many days of radio silence would it take before your mind starts to stir? If they’re your person, I think it’s safe to expect a small message at least once during the day. A good morning, goodnight, or this made me think of you is reasonable to expect when in a relationship, right? With the ways I’d been left on read and ignored and forgotten, my mind developed a narrative that I wasn’t really loved in the first place. But hearing about what I endured, do you think that story is believable?
Seen two hours ago.
It’s been two weeks now, and I still haven’t recovered from the shock. There have been ongoing days of feeling numb and random bursts of crying before I return to that same blank baseline. So I’m really thankful to God for the friends who have checked in with me—for the effort and care they’ve provided when things have completely fallen apart. You’re the ones who are slowly healing my heart, I just know it. The fact that your presence and prayers have overwhelmed me, and made me feel something is a sign my heart still works.
We love you Jaimee.
And it’s strange to say, but after living in a state of uncertainty for so long, my sense of security and worth is back. Despite all the anger, grief and everything else weighing me down, God reminded me how much He loves me. I had been fighting conflicting thoughts for forever. While I knew in my heart my heavenly Father loved and cared for me deeply, there was some confusion in the way I felt about myself. Why did it feel like I had to fight to be loved and cherished? But I realise now that it’s easy to lose yourself when you’re constantly having to prove yourself to someone who doesn’t see your value and doesn’t see you as their first choice.
I’ll never be enough for you.
Yesterday, one of my friends asked, “Didn’t you get tired of asking him for things?” I responded with a bitter smile, “I’m very patient”. But I really wanted to say that I was dumb. Love makes you stupid, and you put up with so much crap for so long. I lost a lot of respect for myself having to beg to be treated right. It’s not unreasonable to want someone who is reliable and follows through with what they say they will do. Isn’t that the bare minimum?
I can’t keep disrespecting myself like this.
The other day, my other friend comically put me in my place and told me that when the bar is in hell, even the ground people walk on looks good. I could only laugh. I really have no one to blame but myself for the panic attacks and unhealthy rumination in not knowing whether I was loved. But not being a priority, the broken trust, and all the inconsistency should have been a sign to leave.
I can’t breathe.
Maybe your friends will say, he really did love you. But you couldn’t articulate the words to reassure me. I don’t know the contents of your conversations with them or whether there was ever anything about me. Maybe, it’s not true at all. Perhaps, it’s wishful thinking that you ever told them you loved me. After all, comforting words from you were so few and far between. And your secret relationship with her didn’t help either. There genuinely was no emotional safety.
Do you love me?
How could I have known how you felt about me if all your words were left unspoken? Did you resent me or did you enjoy spending time with me… you stayed out of obligation, didn’t you? How did you really feel about me? I wish I knew. I wish you had clearly told me what I meant to you because I suffered for so long on my own trying to figure it out.
It’s over now. You can breathe.
But I guess I’ll never know how you felt about me, not that it matters anymore. Even if it’s unresolved in my heart, life doesn’t stop for my heartbreak. I’m not going to receive any apologies for how I was wronged, and I have to find a way to move on somehow. And that’s okay. I’m sure you’re glad I’m gone. You no longer have to feel guilt for going on hikes alone with other girls.
You deserve better, Jaimee.
After all the pain you’ve inflicted, how dumb do I have to be to forgive everything you did? When I think about the betrayals and lies and everything else, I think it’s ridiculous that God forgave us so readily. But when you truly love someone, it’s just something you have to do. And it’s hard. I just hate how easily you let me go, as if I wasn’t worth fighting for. It was challenging loving someone so undeserving and who made little effort to reciprocate, but God does that every day. He convinced me it’s a good thing I have such a great capacity to love, even if it hurts. That’s what we’re here for right? To become more and more like Jesus before we return home.
I’m tired.
I know child. Be still, and know that I am God.
水 