Strong. Why does everyone want to be strong?
Only those who want to be strong don’t know the pain of having no choice but to be strong. Or perhaps they were tired of being weak.
My friends tell me that I’m strong—the silent and reliable type who always knows what to do when things go wrong. But after being strong for so long; after enduring neglect, disappointments, adversity, and hopelessness… I don’t want to be strong anymore.
My heart has hardened to the point it barely beats. I’ve lost hope of seeing a brighter day and wonder why God has put me here. I didn’t deserve to be the collateral damage to the wars everyone else is fighting in their heads. Nonetheless, I am the one suffering from the consequences.
I don’t want to be strong anymore. Nor do I want to be commended for how well I can take a hit. They may say, God made you strong. But the truth is that it was everyone else. I became strong out of necessity—I just wanted to survive. I didn’t realise surviving meant callous cruelty would kill my inner child.
I don’t want to be strong anymore. I desperately want to see the day when the fighting stops. Will my heart beat again and remember what it was like to be soft—to be gentle and lowly? My heart aches for a time I can genuinely feel hope.
I want to be soft. Gentle like a nurturing mother who loves fully and is also loved by those around her. But no matter how much I love, I receive a thousand papercuts in return. I often wonder if I was only made to love and not be loved. Am I destined to suffer the same over and over?
I want to be loved. To remember why Jesus loved us so much He suffered death on a cross. Because I no longer understand what You saw in us. I have endured too much to remember your love and grace, but it’s in faith I remain. For if I lose the one thing keeping my soul together, I may one day forfeit my life.
I hope for the day my friends no longer call me strong. I hope for the day they see a real smile on my face, knowing I am safe to be a soft soul in a sinful world. May my words one day be kind and gentle, and my love never wasted. I hope for the day I am no longer strong… but alas, the war goes on, and my friends still call me strong.
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