We’ve travelled another year around the sun, and now we’re here. It’s Valentine’s Day. Just another day of bittersweet feelings. Seeing love and loving that love for others, but painfully remembering that you don’t have it. Funnily enough, you had someone to share life with last year, yet today is the second Valentine’s Day in a row that you’ll be spending alone. But this time, you won’t be spending it wondering if you meant something to someone who only offered you silence… who didn’t so much as message a, “Happy Valentine’s Day”.
You have never been made to feel special on Valentine’s Day. You haven’t been able to dress up nicely and feel pretty, and you actually really want that. You want to be a girl who is told she is beautiful, who gets flowers just because, and who receives thoughtful messages throughout the day. You don’t want to get used to radio silence and the anxiety of being someone’s option… and honestly, not even second choice.
But it’s a good thing God has placed thoughtful girlfriends—well… just the one really, who has relentlessly shown you love by buying you flowers, just because. They keep your standards where they’re meant to be. The things you want aren’t even big things. It’s normal to want to feel cherished. Special to your special someone even.
You weren’t loved very well. They made a mess of your life. They played with your heart.
I know you still feel down. It’s like your heart is carrying the weight of unnecessary words, betrayals and broken promises from a lifetime ago. But all is not lost. I know you still light up watching the world go by around you.
You love the way your friend looks
At his girlfriend with such tenderness,
Their humour and playful banter,
The difference in their personalities
That seemingly fit together so well;
But it’s really the adoration in their eyes
That gives you a renewed hope,
Knowing love is still very real,
And it is all around you.
I hope you know how bright your eyes shine when you watch the people around you love their friends and family right. It comforts your soul to see love happen right in front of you—that it still exists, and that people continue to live out love every day. It’s the way God designed us to be. You deserve to be loved just like everyone else. But perhaps it aches a little, comparing what you see to the love you were once given.
A lot of your firsts have passed by, but that’s okay. There are still dreams you have—the dreams you couldn’t achieve with what you thought was the right person. Your dreams weren’t very important to them… but that doesn’t matter anymore. You can still play your very first run of It Takes Two, use a vintage photo booth or purikura, and you can start a family one day.
There are actually a lot of firsts you have yet to experience. And given the time that has passed, isn’t it a little sad—that you had to beg for even the small dreams to be realised? I’d like to think you have a lot of your life ahead of you. While some were wasted, you still have some of your prettiest years left. So I hope you find someone who reminds you of those years—that they take photos of you when you’re not looking and gush over you, that they don’t forget to call you beautiful, and they remind you that they love you.
You’re still a lover girl. You’re the one who spends hours making checkerboard cookies for her friends on Valentine’s Day. I can’t say that there are a lot of people I know who go out of their way to do extraordinary things for their friends just because. One day, I hope you meet a lover boy that matches your kind of love and, of course, your kind of crazy.
But you know, not much has changed. You still love catching lizards around the house, chasing after chickens, and feeding ducks. You still go crazy for half-price ice cream, Polyphia, and clear star-filled nights. You still chronically miss Japan, Ruby’s fried chicken, and spending time with your friends. You’re still a closeted weeb, grumpy in the mornings, and a bit rough around the edges. But most importantly, God has never stopped loving you.
You’re a lover girl… still waiting for her lover boy. But you also seem so much happier on your own.
Maybe that kind of love really isn’t for you. Maybe you really are cursed to love and not be loved. But maybe… just maybe, the world isn’t ready for the kind of friendships—the kind of romance you seek. Because it’s hard to have meaningful relationships when people don’t know how to be vulnerable or be safe spaces for their friends. And it can be very lonely when it seems all people want are shallow connections.
But on the off chance you find someone, whoever that person may be, I know your lover boy will make great efforts to learn about who you are and what you love. Your partner in crime will commit to growing together with you and won’t run away when things get hard. He will choose you daily and lead with true humility, having your best interests at heart. That is a pre-requisite, and you will not settle for any less than that.
I hope he will make an effort to learn how to play all your favourite Polyphia songs on the guitar—not to win you over but to demonstrate what he will do to love you. Because if he shows that kind of dedication, I think you can trust him with your heart. And if he doesn’t play guitar, I hope he will show you that he will work hard to keep loving you and leading you all the days of his life (but let’s be honest, even if he didn’t play guitar, it would mean everything to you if he spent hours learning how to play just to make you happy).
And I hope that someone will be your forever boy who lets you be that beautiful lover girl.
Soft and tender always.
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