I thought I’d be wearing that sweater until its seams gave out and the material wasted away. Instead, I threw it back in the face of the one who had nonchalantly gifted it to me in the first place.
I’ve been feeling a little worse for wear lately. Though, I suppose that it’s nothing new to be said about my life. A lot of my days have passed by slowly and painfully, yet it paradoxically seems as if time has slipped away from me. Or perhaps it’s more accurate to say my memory is being taken away. I’ve never really had any problems remembering even small details about things, but my short term memory has really suffered in the past few months.
Just the other day someone had asked what I did during the week. And I couldn’t recall any details without looking at my calendar despite just having been to Melbourne. Maybe the slow, painful nature of my days has stretched my perception of time, making recent events feel like distant memories. I think this possibly requires some cause for concern… because I’ve never felt so out of control.
Will you wrap me up in a blanket and put me to sleep? I’m tired, and I don’t want to feel any of this despair or discomfort anymore.
I can feel myself being swept up by events that line my calendar, leaving me in a state of exhaustion that nothing seems to ease. I know I need to get it together. If this pattern persists, I could easily fall into living an unintentional life, at the mercy of every passing whim, and become someone I no longer recognise. The thought of that terrifies me because I’ve seen it happen, and I know the damage it can do. I refuse to be that person.
I don’t want to be distracted from what God has called me to do, nor do I want to confuse the people around me just because I haven’t put in the work. It’s how you wear them out, use them and abuse them. You have a responsibility to take care of yourself and the people around you. And that’s ample reason enough to get it together.
I don’t want to be like… him.
Don’t let time slip away from you. Otherwise, you just might lose the things or people that matter to you the most. Just like your favourite sweater, slowly fading away. It was well-worn but worn out. And if you don’t take care of it, the threads may unravel until the sleeves become nothing, and you’re eventually left with but a long piece of string. You’re in control. Don’t forget that.
Sometimes, you have to keep swimming even when the sweater you’re wearing is heavy and soaked with water. I’m agitated and overwhelmed, and my body can’t seem to keep up. No matter how much I sleep, I wake up drained, and no matter how much time I set aside to eat, I find myself in a calorie deficit a lot of the time. How can I feel anything but helpless?
But I will keep fighting. It would bother me more if I became like that man. Unravelling everything in their path in the wake of their own selfishness, leaving a trail of broken promises and hurt. And if you’re in the same boat, being tossed and turned by the events of each spin cycle, consider this a warning. It should scare you to open yourself to the risk of becoming so lost that you begin to corrupt the good things in your life. Terrify you even.
So take care of the sweaters you love. Hand wash them using a gentle soap and hang them out to dry in the shade. Maybe it’s okay to use a washing machine every now and again when you’re too busy to give it that kind of care. But doing it too much puts you at risk of damaging the fabric and losing the softness you once loved. The soft fibres no longer caress your skin, but are instead rough and never quite the same. Give them the time and care to keep them well-maintained.
After all, this isn’t really about sweaters. It’s about you. And maybe you can still mend things before they’re too broken.
Update: I’ve been following a very insightful psychiatrist on YouTube for a while now. And he just released a video on the themes I’ve written about. He provides scientific reasoning on how our brains react to stimuli and how you ought to respond to make lasting changes to your life. If you have the fortitude to watch a 55-minute video about it, I’d strongly recommend it!
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