TW: infidelity, emotional abuse, mental illness & religious trauma.
This is a work of fiction largely inspired by Diary of an Oxygen Thief (2006). Thus, any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, or actual events is entirely coincidental. If you know this book, you know it is severely messed up. So please do not read this if you’re not prepared for the themes in the trigger warning.
April 7th
So, here I am. Journaling. Apparently, that’s going to save our marriage. Grace is convinced that this whole therapy thing is going to magically fix everything. Don’t get me wrong, I love Grace. I do. But lately, it feels like we’re speaking different languages. Every session ends up with her in tears. Feels like I’ve failed some kind of test I didn’t even know I was taking.
Our therapist’s latest wisdom? Journaling. “Track your emotions,” she said. “Identify patterns”. Right. Like writing down how frustrated I feel every time Grace asks me if I’ve read the bible today, is going to suddenly make me more… devout? It’s not that I’m against faith, exactly. It’s just… I’ve been having doubts. Serious doubts. I’ve tried to talk to Grace about it. She just brushes it off. Says I’m going through a phase. Maybe I am. Pretty long phase, if you ask me.
And then there’s the music. Used to be my escape. A joy. Even that’s become a chore lately. You know who to thank for that? Our wonderful worship leader. That asshole. Guy has the sensitivity of a brick. He nitpicks every little thing and forces us to do everything his way. Music is supposed to be fun? Been thinking about quitting the team altogether, but that would just upset Grace even more. It’s like everything I care about is slowly going bad and I’m just supposed to smile and pretend it’s all fine.
Anyway, guess I’m supposed to write about positive things too. Like… the new season of baseball starting up again. I’m excited to get back together with the boys again. They always make me laugh. And Grace always makes great food. So, there’s that. But honestly, most days, it feels like I’m just going through the motions. Trying to keep everyone else happy, even if it means sacrificing my own.
April 14th
Still at it with this journal thing. It’s… okay, I guess. Gives me a place to vent. And boy, do I need to vent. Things with Grace… they’re still not great. Actually, they might be getting worse. Feels like she’s constantly upset with me. Like I’m walking on eggshells all the time. Not sure what I’m doing wrong. Or maybe I do. Maybe it’s because I stepped down from some other ministry. Like c’mon, I needed a fucking break. Work has been insane lately. We’re not even sure if the company’s going to make it to the end of the year. The stress has been unbearable. Just told Grace I needed some time to breathe. Gotta focus on my own well-being for a change.
She said she understood. She was all supportive, saying it was fine for me to rest on Fridays while she went to church for something. But I can’t shake the feeling that she’s disappointed in me. Like I’ve let her down. Like I’m not measuring up to her expectations anymore. Fucking dumb, I know. But that’s how that shit feels.
Grace can be very… persuasive. She knows how to spin things. I mean, she’s got my whole family eating out of the palm of her hand. They all think she’s the perfect child. Maybe she is. Something I’ll never be… and I’ve accepted that. But sometimes, it feels like she’s holding me to some impossible standard. And I’m always falling short.
And it’s not just the church thing. It’s… other things too. I don’t feel wanted by her anymore. It’s like she’s lost all interest. I have needs too, you know? But I don’t want to force anything. Don’t wanna pressure her. So I keep it to myself. And all that shit just sits.
Dunno. Maybe I’m overthinking everything. Maybe it’s just a rough patch… but it’s been a pretty long rough patch. And I’m starting to wonder if we’ll ever get back to how we used to be. The way we used to enjoy each other’s company. The way she used to look at me. Feels like a lifetime ago.
April 28th
Tried the church thing again. For Grace. Honestly, I did. But that worship leader? Bastard. He’s got the patience of a gnat. Yelling about my ‘lack of commitment’ because of the break we took from the team. I’m a grown man, not some choir boy. Should’ve known it’d be like this. Told Grace I was done. She looked a little hurt, but honestly, I’m relieved. One less thing to worry about. I don’t want to return to that church again.
I thought baseball would at least cheer me up in some way. But it just felt like another Sunday… and another baseball game. But the boys were on fire today even if I wasn’t in the mood. Grace was there, of course. She’s always there. She chats with everyone else on the bleachers quite often. Sometimes I wish she’d find a hobby or something. Just… something for herself. She’s always watching… and judging. I know she means well, but it’s suffocating.
Had a bit of a think about church too. Something’s just not clicking anymore. The whole ‘love thy neighbour’ thing feels a bit off when you think about eternal damnation. It’s hypocritical. But too complicated to think about for a Sunday afternoon, anyway. Grace wouldn’t get it if I tried to explain. Probably best to keep those thoughts to myself.
I dunno, maybe I’m just tired. Maybe I need a change. Something… exciting. Something that makes me feel alive again. Started using again actually. Feels real good to have something just for myself. Don’t want Grace to find out, though. She’ll nag and cry. Honestly, don’t have the energy for it.
May 6th
Don’t really think I’ve got much to write about today. But need to put something down before the next session. Work’s been looking up though. Thank fuck. The boss said we got funded again, so we won’t be running out of money anytime soon. It was a relief knowing we were rewarded for all our hard work. Wish I could say the same about someone else. Also a new girl at work today. Charis. Just joined my team and she brings up the mood. I actually look forward to going into the office now. Seems like a really cool girl.
Grace has been… Grace. Still a bit distant, and preoccupied. I’m tryna give her space, but it’s getting harder and harder to connect with her. I almost feel like we’re strangers in the same house. Maybe this new energy at work is just what I need to balance things out.
Yeah, still using. It’s become my little escape. Some time to myself, away from everything. It’s a bit ridiculous, but it’s become my thing. Anyway… need to get some sleep. Big day tomorrow.
May 11th
Went to therapy again yesterday. Swear, I’d rather get my wisdom teeth pulled out. Grace was at it again, crying about how neglected she feels and how we don’t have date nights anymore. Liar. We eat dinner together a few times a week and I put up with having to talk to her. It’s exhausting having to do that all the time. Honestly, I dunno if we’re going to make it through all this mess. I’m getting real sick of her acting like the victim. It’s always about her, her, her.
But there was something good that came from this week. Had drinks with the team tonight. Charis was there. We’d been chatting a fair bit since she started. But she was definitely giving me the cold shoulder the past few days. Got no idea why. A few drinks in, she loosened up and was much easier to talk to. We laughed about some stupid shit. Somewhere along the way, she pointed to my ring and asked about my “situation” with the wife.
Told her Grace and I had been separated for a while, just hadn’t made it official yet. It’s not really a lie. I mean, things ain’t getting any better for us. All the attention from Charis felt good. For once someone was paying attention to me.
May 31st
It’s funny how easily things can… shift. A few weeks ago, I was feeling completely stuck. Now, it feels like someone actually gets me. It’s nice to be understood. Charis is a total breath of fresh air. Funny, smart, doesn’t take herself too seriously. Unlike… well, you know. Where was she before all of this? Fuck. Wish I met her earlier.
Grace has been on my back again. All this nagging. The whole, “we just need to talk more”. Just… leave me the fuck alone. I agreed to whatever she wanted, just to shut her up. She doesn’t get me, so really no point in talking to her. Why can’t Grace be more like her? I talk to Charis and… it’s like all this weight disappears. She’s a good friend… you get me? Just going to enjoy this feeling. Things are starting to look up.
June 23rd
Been going golfing with the boys. Can’t be home if I’m busy, right? Hilarious that Grace thinks we enjoy golfing. We’re just doing it to get away from home. Drinks at the bar is where the vibes are at.
Dad called too, asking if everything’s alright. Told him that it’s been hard dealing with Grace’s emotional outbursts. He just said he’d be praying for us. I can’t believe she’s made a big enough fuss for dad to notice. It’s her fault we’re in this mess in the first place.
Also been spending a lot of time with Charis after work. I mean, she just gets me. We have so much in common. Got an invite to her house party next week. Trying not to get my hopes up, but I’m excited. I’m not a bad guy or anything. I just… need this. The way she makes me feel is amazing. FUCK. Really starting to feel like I got options. But fuck this isn’t right. It’s all wrong. But Charis… she’s different. Until I figure all this shit out, what Grace doesn’t know won’t hurt her.
August 2nd
Grace knows something is wrong. Says I refuse to talk to her. That I won’t even look her way. Just told her she’s wrong. Work’s been stressful and need to stay back late because of it. If only she knew. She keeps saying she’ll pray for me. Grace already knows I don’t really believe in her god anymore. Can’t really refuse though.
Feels like I’ve been coming off it lately. Charis told me that it’s been settled. Work’s shipping her away overseas for a bit to expand the business. I’m devo. There’s no way I’m going to survive without her here. Her laugh. The way she squeezes my waist with her legs in the backseat. Ugh. I really saw a future with this girl.
Everything’s falling apart at the same time. Work is a mess, Grace is suspicious, and now Charis is leaving. What am I supposed to do? I can’t just… go back to how things were. I need her. I need something. Been thinking a lot. About the way I’ve been living. About Grace. About everything. It’s like I’m trapped in a cage. It all feels meaningless.
Maybe I should just tell her. Tell her everything. Get it all out in the open. But then what? What happens then? I can’t lose Charis. I won’t. We’ll make long distance work.
November 30th
The last few months have been a drag. Been hard getting out of bed. Dealing with the fam. The questions. Grace has been doing all the work I haven’t been able to do around the house.
Charis left a couple of weeks ago. We spent as much time together as we could. In the car, at her apartment. Anywhere we possibly could. But since then I’ve been stuck dealing with Grace. Just haven’t had much energy to get out to avoid her.
We’re out of town for the weekend, but I’ve “fallen sick”. It’s not all bad, but I can’t be fucked to get out of bed. Grace is out there somewhere enjoying her time. Gives me time to call Charis. Don’t wanna be here.
Everything feels… heavy. Don’t care about this trip. Don’t really care about anything. Just want to be left alone.
January 12th
Things… shifted. I don’t know how else to describe it. Charis is back. Just for the holidays, but still. Seeing her again was like getting hit by a bus. FUCK, it was good. We spent a few days together. Was like no time had passed. Our connection, the laughter… it was all there. But then something happened.
I went to that place and ended up dragging my bro along. The music hit different. Made me think. About Grace. About what I’ve done. About who I’ve become. Just felt like a real big piece of shit. I need to go back to church. That will fix everything. The lies, the deception, the way I’ve treated Grace. But bro’s got my back. He’ll forgive me. They’ll all forgive me. They have to.
I saw it all. Everything. The mess I’ve made. The pain I’ve caused. I need to fix this. I need to try. I’m going back to church. I know, I know. But I need to. I need to… do something. BUT IT’S ALL FUCKED. Dunno if it’ll work. Dunno if it’s too late. But I gotta try. I still want Charis. God, I want her so much. But this isn’t right. What I’m doing isn’t right. I’m so confused. Fuck. Everything’s so messed up.
Need to figure out what to tell Grace… don’t want to deal with this shit anymore. But I need to. I know I do. But I don’t know how. I NEED TO DO SOMETHING.
As a writer who loves telling stories, I’ve always tried to use it as a way to expand my understanding of the world and the people around me. But I really struggled with this one. This is possibly the most difficult thing I’ve had to write, coming at a scenario from a man with Peter Pan syndrome—a completely different point of view from my own. I approached the subject with a lot of repulsion for its immorality, injustice, and plain disregard for other people. All in a vain attempt to understand why anyone would do such a thing.
Frankly, I don’t know what it’s like to be a man and how they look at women. And I’ve been told I still write too much like a girl after many revisions! Thank you, Nate, for being my sparring partner in this ugly ring. It enabled me to capture a clearer picture of this narrative and strengthen my reasoning for making certain… stylistic choices. Understanding the male perspective on these matters often proved challenging.
But was I really able to get in the head of a Peter Pan man? If I did succeed in some way, I hope I didn’t make you, as the reader, pity him. I hope you understand that he is supposed to be an unreliable narrator writing about his own undoing. If I failed, well… I can consider it a saving grace that I do not understand people like that. And perhaps, it’s best we don’t ever try.
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