Yesterday’s date used to mean something to me. But now, it’s just another day in April that my phone has reminded me about. I spent the majority of it on my own with small things I did to distract myself from past disappointments. I thought I was diligent enough to get rid of such reminders, but I suppose even I miss details sometimes.
I look out the window to gaze upon the orange brick wall of my neighbour’s house. The morning light sits upon it as the trees’ shadows dance its funny little dance. I sigh a heavy breath, wondering how I really feel at this moment. Something? Nothing? It’s hard to tell whether I’ve made a habit of dissociating from the heartache or whether I no longer care. Perhaps a bit of both?
While I can say there is very little wrong plaguing me now, something doesn’t feel right either. An emptiness. Or a purposelessness of sorts. Yet, it was only a few days ago that inspiration flowed over me. Have I ruined my favourite seasons to failed dreams and lost love? But I know in my heart, that autumn is for the lovers and dreamers.
Leaves go from green to yellows, oranges and reds in a natural celebration of life and death. Beauty overflows everywhere in abundance, and I merely exist at the mercy of it all. I want to dream big and feel… and love, but I am afraid of it all ending in the same way. In loss. So perhaps what I feel is hesitance and fear. Not of the anxious kind because I am in no state of panic, but a looming one that threatens to take my peace away.
I’m a dreamer. Always have been. But I never leave them as just that; I chase them and make them a reality. Autumn just seems like the season for it. For new beginnings, built aspirations, and so much more. A time of divine inspiration for us lovers and dreamers. And less time for haste in admiration of it all. This season would be nice to share with someone else, but I know I’m doing just fine on my own.
The rage and apathy still come into view from time to time, but more and more of my days are filled with hope and excitement. Test-driving expensive cars really does do the trick. And I’m glad I no longer have to harbour any guilt about my expensive preferences. Living and dreaming have never been so easy after being freed from that little box. I was never meant to fold myself into that narrow space, to shrink and silence myself for a love that demanded I be less.
And I’m thankful for you, my friend, for the outlandish fantasies we weave together, for reminding me that even the silliest dreams hold the seeds of a future far grander than I once dared to imagine.
水 