I didn’t mean to lie to your mum. The words had come out without much thought going into them. I wanted the words to be true. And maybe for a time, they were. But not when they had left my mouth. As the words escaped, something in my head clicked. It was an immediate response of confusion and… guilt? I don’t like liars. So to have been caught off guard, and potentially lied myself stung.
Your mum was relieved to hear my empty consolations, while we had kitchen tea together. She breathed a sigh of relief as I watched her shoulders relax. But I did not feel so good. I did find a lot of joy in your mother talking about you, and how you were as a little boy. She had spoken of her regrets, the moments she wished she’d pushed you harder, and challenged you more.
And while I didn’t respond to her words, I honestly wish she did too. It would have spared us both this. A lifetime of being coddled, “protected” from the sharp edges of reality, had left you ill-equipped for the complexities of adult relationships and the real world. Avoidance was your method, and repair had no standing in your vocabulary.
As I reflected on this unknown feeling, I wondered if I was deceiving myself. I sifted through recent memories, searching for evidence to support the lie I’d just told. Each recalled moment, each interaction, revealed something I wasn’t ready to fully accept. I didn’t want to admit that I was carrying the weight of our relationship alone.
Perhaps it was cowardice, but I came to the conclusion that I was simply being ungrateful, and I did mean what I had said. I was begging for scraps of your affection, of acknowledgment, and celebrating them as if they were a feast. A hollow laugh rang out in my head. Was I being treated worse than a dog?
Still, l gave you the benefit of the doubt. A benefit you did not deserve. Because even the voice in my head had to do a double-take. I didn’t believe it myself. So I deceived myself to keep loving you.
It is only in hindsight that I can say I wasn’t being ungrateful. With a heavy heart, I hated to admit that I was carrying the relationship and that I really did receive next to nothing for quite a long time. I begged for scraps and was over the moon when I received them.
I’m sorry you have to deal with my most stubborn boy.
It’s okay, he makes up for it in other ways.
It was only by God’s grace we had overcome so many obstacles together. At some point, I began to believe the words I had uttered to your mother. The littlest bit more effort was made. It just… didn’t last.
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