As I searched through the mountain of untouched memos in my phone for writing inspiration, I came across a note from a very long time ago. It was titled, ‘Feelings to sort through later’. And I am sad to be reminded about how long I suffered. I suppose it is the birthright of people like us to turn our pain into art. Tragically shattered, left to pick up the pieces, but sometimes there is beauty in the breaking.
For the non-die-hard fans of mine, I think this is a piece to skip from me. It’s not a particularly good piece of writing. As it says in the title, the words I have for you are merely stray thoughts and broken dreams with no home.
4 Feb 2023
Past month has felt very lonely and every time I messaged it felt like I was speaking to a brick wall—like I wasn’t even being given the time of day.
I get you’re busy, but is it really that hard to set aside 5 seconds to message me?
Or maybe it’s just that you don’t think of me during your day.
How much do I matter to you? Because I think about you a lot.
I want to share your joys and sorrows and know how you feel. I want to be close but lately, I feel like an afterthought.
I shouldn’t have to feel like I’m bombarding you with messages to get a half-hearted response. Maybe I am just a burden.
Am I important to you? I don’t want to be the one who initiates things all the time. I want attention. I want you to be present.
I’ve been reflecting on our relationship after you said we need a lot of work. You think we don’t have deep conversations, and you think we haven’t done much growing in the time we’ve been dating.
At the time, I agreed about the deep conversations, but I quickly realised that we’ve had plenty of those, and it made me sad that you seemed to overlook them. I’ve shared thoughts, dreams, and things I’ve been upset about, so it makes me sad to know you think we haven’t had any.
But when you said we haven’t done much growing, I was upset. Yes, I agree there’s always work to be done, but God has been at the centre of our relationship for me. I felt betrayed and lonely all over again when you said you only felt like you were having fun. I felt used.
I have been intentional and serious about the relationship since the beginning. We dove into the deep end. We started the relationship on a heavy topic. I often talk to you about things that matter a lot to me, but I keep it light so it isn’t so burdensome, and maybe that’s why you think we don’t have deep conversations.
And my assumption is that you’re not satisfied with the way we serve in our relationship, which still makes me upset. It’s not fair for you to say we haven’t been glorifying God in ministry when I have given you multiple opportunities for that to happen.
Like making the sticky date pudding for Christmas to serve your family, spending time with your family together, spending time with friends together, and being a light in the way we treat each other.
And if I hadn’t been going out of my way to make time to spend with your family, this would be more problematic than it already is. I need you to understand and realise that ministry is a lot more than just teaching people theology and praying for them—it is loving and serving them. Being in community with them.
However imperfect, we have been doing ministry together. I guess you just haven’t realised it. I have been living out my faith practically in this relationship, however limited, so we can get used to doing life together. I mentioned before that we need to work on our togetherness, and that has not changed. My goals have not changed, and I have never stopped loving you.
But, I’ve been dealing with the mental load of thinking about the future, making ends meet, and particularly over Christmas, the dish we had to bring for your family dinner that should have been your responsibility, but ultimately became something I had to repeatedly follow up on with very little input from you. I’m sorry for constantly bringing up the pudding, but it’s still relevant to my frustrations with you. I know you’ve had to deal with me being difficult at times, and I thank you for your kindness and grace.
I have noticed that you’ve put more effort into planning our dates rather than just me doing all that by myself, so thank you. But I feel like I often have to work around your schedule to spend time with you. We don’t have a regular date night, and I think that’s actually really important. Honestly, I just don’t feel like a priority.
I think I’ve been way too understanding and have let a lot slide at my own expense. And it’s as if you’re also living like you’re single and reaping the rewards of our relationship with little downsides. If I were to give an example, I think if it came down to a time I really needed you, but you were already busy, say serving in some capacity or even tied up in a family matter, you would not choose me.
Aside: It’s funny how there was no truer statement than that. Even 2023 me knew I was never his first choice.
But you know, any time that has happened so far, where you’ve had to make a hard decision like that, I chose for you. I chose for you to spend time with Nanna when I was upset with you that one time. I chose for you to spend time and catch up with your friends when I was upset at that conference. And I didn’t resent you for it.
But somewhere along the way, you took my surrender, my discomfort, as your right to neglect me.
I have been the one to make lots of sacrifices to make this relationship work. To make sure you could still do the things you did when you were single, but I know that’s actually unrealistic. And in my mind, it’s because of that one thing you said at the start of our relationship. “A wife can either double or halve your ministry”.
It has only been unhelpful and has burdened me. I have tried really hard to be low maintenance so you can go out and do amazing things. But sometimes, I need a little more care, and I need to know that you are going to put me first.
Oh, you poor, naive child.
Another thing is telling each other things. I was upset that I didn’t know you were going through all of these things in your head until a significant time after they had already happened. At times, I noticed and asked if you were okay, but you chalked it up to fatigue. Sometimes I pressed, but it never went anywhere. And other times, I was afraid to press because of my own doubts.
I hope I can be the first one you come to when you’re feeling down, or angry, or even excited about something. Because it’s my desire to know you and love you.
I owe an apology to myself. For being such a fool and allowing her to go through all this self-doubt. Sure, you weren’t perfect, but you were never the problem. I’m sorry.
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