Mr brothers and sisters in Christ,
Where do you go when you’re not feeling like yourself? Like you’re operating on your bad habits because the regular servers in your head aren’t working, or even past that, when everything in you ceases to work. Do you run back to the Father with all your unfavourable emotions and ugly cries? Many of my days have ended in a quick and lamenting prayer.
God, why?
In the lowliness of the silence I’d created to spend with God, something just felt… wrong. My body lies in the wake of inexplicable discomfort, now more than ever. Later and later into the hours past midnight, I find myself wide awake, wondering why I can’t do something as simple as sleep. So I turn to my bedside table and flip open my phone. The greyscale mode doesn’t stop me from endlessly scrolling in an attempt to soothe the deafening noise in my mind—while it does fry my dopamine receptors, tiring me out, it almost certainly makes everything worse.
5am.
Spiritually, all has seemed so barren. Everything that once seemed so easy to me has become but a forgotten memory. Like prayer. It used to be a force of habit that whenever anything went wrong, I would bring it to God. And it was as easy as running up to Him to say that I’m in trouble and that I need help. In many ways, it brings me much sadness to even think that I had lost faith in the God who loves me, wondering if He would actually show up for me.
11:30am. I should’ve been up 3 hours ago.
Once the busyness of life slowly went away, the stress didn’t dissipate like I had expected. And it was agony. Waking up for church was too hard, and I shut myself away for a long time, save for the occasional event I had already committed to. And strangely, home began to feel like home—a rare comfort to a nervous system on edge. Here, in my quiet retreat, I finally found I could breathe again. But in the midst of this desert, God came looking for me.
God, please help me fix my sleep schedule.
He met me in my endless groanings and my imperfect attempts to return. And God showed me that in every season—even in the driest of deserts, He provides rain. No prayer is too big or too small. No matter the circumstance, how ever you feel, or how big you mess up (heck, even if you cheat on your wife!!), you can always run back to the Father. Because even when we’re angry or sad, we still honour God by bringing it all back to Him.
As the rain came down on the place I call home, I saw an unfamiliar sight. Where I would normally see dry grass, thirsty and in want of drink, was a lush, green paradise. Very wet, mind you, and still, beautiful.
God meets us in our weakness and provides what we need to flourish. I hope this brings you comfort, as it did to me, and reminds you that even in the most desperate of times and places, He is ready to bring life. The Father has always been there, calling out to us and chasing us. He can handle all of us at our worst and meets us when we’re desperate and in need of Him.
In every season, you are still God.
水 