Will

Is it normal to keep conceding your dreams for the sake of the greater good? Is this what God meant when telling us to die to ourselves? When the outcomes of my sacrifices involve so much grief and frustration, it leads me to question whether I’ve been living the right way. And drawing the line between noble and unnecessary sacrifice seems impossible.

I don’t mean to be rude, but…

I’m not sure how to quantify the most ideal of outcomes when the measure has been determined by human minds, or how to justify all the quiet surrenders of my heart for this supposed “greater good”. I no longer understand what is expected of me. It’s sacrifice upon sacrifice for the sake of others—the will of anyone but my own. Democracy only works for those in the majority, and it appears I’ve not been part of that even once.

You have always been the other.

Autonomy is but a distant dream. It seems that every way my body turns is never according to my own discretion. Am I just some puppet on a string? A marionette tactically used as a figurehead or to entertain? I no longer have a voice of my own. And perhaps, I’ve never had a will of my own.

Serving others used to be a joy—a high calling to be more like Jesus and selflessly care for others. But now, I despise the very people I vowed to love. And how can I when I don’t even value my own life? It’s tiring having to constantly yield what little wants and desires I have left. Because it’s never about what I want.

No one listens to me.

When you keep getting back up only to be pushed to the ground again, aren’t you taught to just stay on the ground? Though in such scenarios, some of my friends have tried to encourage me. They admire my resilience, they say. But to me, it means that through every trial, my voice wasn’t heard the first fifty times I had repeated myself. It means that no matter how hard I try—how much I change my methods to achieve a different outcome—it remains the same.

And it’s the things like these. It’s the subtle but sinister tug at my worth in the lost words amongst deaf ears, and the meaningless discussions that go nowhere. All I can do is concede my ideas and passion to the adults with louder voices and more power, while shedding tears behind closed doors. Why is it that the “greater good” is always at the cost of me?

Was I created just to be burdened and sacrifice myself for everyone else? I fail to see the bigger picture and reason for my suffering, and think there is no difference whether I act or not. My absence wouldn’t change anything. When my ideas and passions aren’t wanted and my effort is not needed, I find that there is little point to anything.

It’s all meaningless.

Can you blame me for thinking my words and actions don’t matter? I have no authority, nor will of my own. It’s expected that I will obey without question because everyone has decided that the “greater good” is not something that is ever made in the image of my plans. So there is no point in fighting for what I believe in. When the world has decided that I am always wrong, how can I?

And it’s probably the reason why I stopped standing up for myself a long time ago.