I envy the men who can be gentle with their words and still have the privilege of being heard. You were given grace. And somehow, you have commanded respect from your peers, not needing to rely on aggression. Never needing to repeat yourself, and never having to justify every idea to them. I envy you. And all the more, I wish I had your gift.
Gentleness is a character trait I so deeply admire. Perhaps it’s because I am far from it, always charging in headfirst with zeal, always asking the hard-hitting questions without deflection, and always fighting for what I want. At some point, I resigned myself to these traits and how they make me, me. I used to be full of conviction and proactively marched towards the future. It seemed so bright before. But I now look on with tired eyes, resentful that I’ve had to fight for everything with little to show for it.
And believe me, I’m trying. Trying to reignite that spark. But wisdom knows that nothing catches when there is no fuel left in the tank. Taking a break is possibly the hardest thing for me to do. Knowing I’m powerless to overcome my lethargy—physical aches in my calves, the mental pangs of logistical nightmares, and the emotional burden of continual defeats—is demoralising. I am and have been discouraged. But true to my nature, I am far too stubborn to concede and let myself be branded a failure.
Surely, the spark is still there. For it can’t be a coincidence that you have drawn attention to my eyes. The eyes that shine. You, the person too familiar to be called a stranger. You, the professional I pay to fix my back problems. And you, the friend I didn’t like upon first meeting. All of you have pointed out how I light up, and sometimes at the most random of things. It leads me to wonder how long I have been blind to it—to joy.
I have been searching for you all this time. The kindling to my fire. But a small flame isn’t ready for strong winds. And I’m afraid you’ll burn out again. Can gentleness ever protect you from the disappointments you face? From the constant disrespect you encounter? I’m unsure whether it’s safe to let down the walls and allow the blaze to burn bright. In my heart, I’m sure that’s what I want. But I don’t know whether I have the courage to do so.
水 