Love hurts. Don’t you think so?
I imagine the God of the universe feels this way every day. I often think about His love for us—how incomprehensibly big it is, and how painful it must be to love someone who doesn’t love you back. To have His heart broken all the time through the separation that we sinners have caused. All because we decided we wanted to do things our way, and that the relationship with God wasn’t worth the pain and suffering.
Love is an endless sacrifice. It is a choice you make, and it often causes great harm when given in grace and mercy. Turning the other cheek and risking a slap on the other side is a great show of love and courage… but it can leave you vulnerable to more grief. Love is hard. And yet, it seems so easy for God to do that we never stop to think how much He sacrificed to be with us.
All I’ve tried to do is love others. But I’ve been quite resentful for some time because of what I’ve had to lose to do so. Anger has brewed beneath the surface enough for my willing heart to become nothing but dutiful. In this fallen world, I don’t think you can have love without sacrifice. And for many of my friendships, I feel as if they have burdened me to be the accommodating one—the one who puts in the time and effort to manage the health of said friendships—and sacrifice all of me.
That’s why I find God so incredible. There is absolutely nothing in my hands that I bring to Him. My salvation has been freely given, and it is only through the Spirit I can accept that. We’re made in His image, and that’s why we know how to love. Without this crucial piece in the puzzle, life can be remarkably exhausting when you are alone and feel as if you are pouring from an empty cup. But God’s love never ceases, it never runs dry, and always chooses forgiveness. And I fall so short of that.
I’m honestly not sure that love is worth the sacrifice because I’ve been hurt so many times. To be loved is to be seen, remembered, and considered. But all of that comes at a price. Love hurts. It can be uncomfortable to revisit memories of people who have caused you harm. I wish I could forget. I remember too much.
I care too much, and that makes me weak.
But I have a feeling this is exactly how I’m supposed to be hardwired. Of course it is! We’re made in God’s image after all. To know love and feel the consequences of sin—the separation and conflict in our relationships—and the brokenness, is a bittersweet gift. While there is sorrow in suffering the repercussions, we can find comfort in understanding Jesus more. I know I need to stop thinking love is weakness… but it hurts.
So even though I don’t want to admit that I still have love for certain people, I do. Because to be loved is to be remembered. And even though I don’t want to, I will remember that he loved blackcurrant-flavoured candies—and that every now and again, he would soothe his anxieties with a stim, often when he drove us somewhere. It’s funny to me that he probably doesn’t even know he does it. I just never dared to point it out for fear that it was because of me, and that I caused it.
I don’t want to remember all this… but unfortunately, I do.
Even more than those things, though. I remember that he hated me. That every chance he got, he would find a way to cancel what little plans we had and spend time with literally anyone else. From being his first choice to becoming the third woman in what ever love square he had going on, I was hidden away from the world. Out of everything I could possibly remember, I remember how I loved him… and how he hurt me.
What was it like to be loved by him?
I don’t ask that because I want to remember or relive some lie just to prove I was worthy of love. I just… past the honeymoon phase, I genuinely can’t recall a time I was proactively seen and loved. It’s not love when you have to keep begging. So I pity the girl who loved him. And I suppose that means I pity me. Because love never really disappears, as much as I would like for it to.
It makes me sad to admit that I was never worth the inconvenience to him. I’ve accepted it. And I know it has nothing to do with me and everything to do with him. But for my own sake, I wish I knew how to stop noticing, remembering… considering. Because it hurts to love people who don’t love you back. Still, God did anyway. And that changes everything.
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